The Destroyers: Stories
1, 2
posted on September 6th, 2012, 12:27 am
Last edited by Destroyer92 on September 6th, 2012, 12:40 am, edited 1 time in total.
Heres my first story. Please comment on it. I love to hear comments. I have to do it in two parts, due to the size limit, (20000 characters) and the size of the story (53288 characters)
Next part in a few moments.
Edit: I forgot the italics. They should all be on now.
- Code: Select all
I looked through the windows of my ships briefing room. Before me was an infinite void filled with stars, each one a large sun. Below the view port, the back of my massive ship presented itself. I could see lights moving across the hull as civilians moved from one area to another. I frowned and turned my attention back to the conversation at hand.
“We just dont have the manpower. Until the troopships arrive, Oxen VII is on their own.” My first officer said. His name was Kane, a moderately-sized fellow with fair skin, dark hair and bright blue eyes.
“Can we can still offer fire support?” My Chief Engineer, Ginny, asked. She was a short girl, looking about twelve years old with a small scar over her right eye. She had light skin, brown hair, and dark eyes.
“The only weapon that can reach that far is the PAK Cannons, but it'll take too long to get there.” My weapons officer, Harold, said, shaking his head. He was a tall teen, about 15-years-old, with dark skin and hair, and gray eyes.
Ginny huffed and turned her gaze to the table, as if she would see the solution there.
Until today, the Oxen system was protected by a net of defensive turrets. However, the turrets hadn't been receiving their daily maintenance cycle, and so the solar panels that powered them failed. Now all the turrets were down and the system was left vulnerable. From our position, we would get there in three days, but an enemy fleet was detected less then 12 hours from the system.
I blew a strand of hair out of my eyes. “Rob, how long would it take a Haze Class to reach Oxen?”
My helm officer blinked. He usually wasn't talked to during these meetings. “Depending on the model. The Mark-3 can be there in six hours and the Mark-1 in two. However, both types would suffer engine damage at those speeds.”
“What about the [i]Morte Navi[/i]?”
I saw Rob's reflection frown. “I'm not sure on her performance sir. As she hasn't been taken out for a shake down, we cant rely on theories.”
I turned around and leaned against the Transite window, looking at him. He was a moderately-sized child that looked about 11. He had light skin, red hair, and green eyes.
“Well, until I can schedule a shakedown, she's stuck in drydock.” I sat in my chair at the head of the conference table. “Any suggestions?”
My staff was silent.
Finally, Ginny spoke. “Well, I think we should send the ships. Sure their engines will be damaged, but think about it.”
She activated the tables holographic emitters and pulled up a model of the Haze Mark-3. It was a sleek vessel, with a dish-shaped hull. It's warp engines were positioned away from the ship, connected with large pylons that supplied the plasma needed to power them.
She pointed to the warp engines. “These will be the only ones damaged. We're expecting a battle, so these aren't needed.”
“What about the Mark-1?” asked Sanya, my science officer, as she tilted her head. She was the youngest of the team, looking about five. She had fair skin, blond hair tied into pigtails, and blue eyes.
Ginny frowned and brought up a model of the Mark-1. It, too, was sleek, designed to be speedy in every way, but it was an old design, so old that there were talks about discontinuing the design. The design was similar to the Mark-3, but one part was different, the engine pods. While the Mark-3 had impulse engines in the dish and warp engines below the ship, the Mark-1 had its impulse and warp engines combined into a pair of large pods that hung below the ship. These showed the Destroyers simple design techniques, as they looked like oversized tubes with an opening on one end and an arching plasma tube on the other.
Ginny ran a simulation, and small blue balls flowed into the engine. It showed the way the plasma flowed through the engines, first into the impulse tube, then the doors to the warp engines opened and the plasma flowed through the warp coils. Ginny increased the flow to its highest, then dropped it to 0 and ordered the holo-ship to closed its doors. The doors started to move, but froze after a second.
She frowned. “Looks like the plasma pushes the doors to the point where they break the motors.” She let the plasma flow again, with the doors stuck in place. The ship suddenly exploded, its engines tearing themselves from the hull as the coils propelled them to warp speed, leaving the ship with its structural force fields powered for impulse.
The remains of the ship floated by me. Ginny frowned again and canceled the simulation.
“They can repair the problem, but it would take at least three hours.”
I nodded and pulled up the ship manifest. There wear four Mark-3s and twelve Mark-1s that were ready for combat. The rest were pending repairs or upgrades. I paused at the name [i]Morte Navi[/i].
She was a pet project I'd been working on, a ship for my three daughters and their husbands. I had drawn up hundreds of designs, taking parts from all of them before creating this single ship. It was an upgrade to the Mark-1, dubbed the Mark-1 Alpha, and had the advantages of every Haze Class except the Mark-4. She had a more rounded dish, a visible sensor dome, though many of the sensors were inside the ship, and a pair of impulse/warp pods similar to the Mark-1. Unlike the other ships, the shield emitter wasn't outside the ship. It was a new experiment that my youngest daughter, Jeanette, had come up with. It was equiped with new Laser Cannons, redesigned Laser Banks, and a modified Type-4 Minigun. It also carried Jeanette's newest weapon, the Type-J Photomon Torpedo. Only Jeanette could make it, but it was, to my knowlage, as powerful, if not more, then the Quantumic Torpedo.
I sighed and closed the screen. “Kane, I want every available Haze to get there.”
He nodded. “Yes sir. What about the Destroyer?”
I though for a second. “Set a course for the Oxen system, warp six.”
Rob nodded and typed a few commands into his small screen, setting it up so all he had to do was get to his panel and press 'go'.
I glanced at the holographic Mark-3 that still hung before me. “Dismissed.” I said.
The room was clear a moment later. I stood and shut down the emitters. Rather then return to the bridge, I took a lift down to my home. It took about five minutes, due to the distance. I was always hoping to increase the speed of the intership elevators, but the technology wasn't ready to be upgraded yet.
As I waited, I looked at my reflection in the metal doors. Before me stood a demon in human skin, pale skin at that, with glowing yellow eyes and teeth so sharp, they could bite through metal. It's black hair looked like it hadn't combed it, which it had. On its right hand, looking sunk into the skin, was a glowing Roman Delta. This was a natural substance found only on augmented humans. It was named the Mark of the Augment. Usually, I would cover it over with makeup, but there was no point now.
This was me, a demon that looked human.
And what name was this creature of death given?
Why, Death, of course, but translated so it was more friendly.
My name was Tod.
Tod Cantrell.
-
I entered my home, greeted by my wife, Voilet. She was a tall girl, looking about late 16, early 17, almost my height, with light skin, gra eyes, and light brown hair. I embraced her as my oldest daughter, Diana, left her room.
She looked slightly younger then her mother, had pale skin, and unnaturally red hair. On her right hand, a glowing symbol presented itself. Her Mark was shaped like the Destroyer 'D', a thick line arcing over an oval. She wore a pink shirt underneath blue overalls, which held a few tools that contributed to her skill as a mechanic.
She smiled and waited until I was free before holding out a PAMVACC or Personal Access Miniaturized Video/Audio Computer Console. On it was a new design for a fighter. The title for it read Piranha Class. I frowned, and looked it over. It looked like an Eagle, but instead of two wings, it had four, with the last two being placed on the top and bottom of the fighter. It would make docking difficult, but I signed off on it anyway. She would build a prototype, test it, then field it with a payed test pilot, a process that took a month. Still, with twice the firepower of an Eagle, it was worth it.
Before she could reach the safety of her room, I asked, “What do you have planed this month.”
She frowned. “Nothing except this.” She tapped the PAMVACC.
I nodded. “Set aside one day, preferable this week. You and your sisters are gonna give the [i]Morte Navi[/i] her shake down.”
Diana frowned, but nodded. “Yes Father.” She retreated to her room as I entered my study.
-
Diana closed her door.
The [i]Morte Navi[/i] still hadn't had her shakedown? It had been in drydock for a month. By now, most ships would've been out in space, patrolling the space around the Destroyer.
She sighed and, using her computer, pulled up the [i]Morte Navi's[/i] specks. Most were just theories, as the ship hadn't even activated its Quantum Singularity power core. A note appeared on her desktop. She opened it and listened to the audio recording. A month ago, she'd planted a bug in the briefing room, right in front of her fathers seat in a holographic emitter. Being a skilled mechanic, she had many ways to disguise things as parts that went unnoticed. The bug was disguised as a screw, and did two jobs at once; keep the emitter held down, and spy on the meetings.
As she listened, she started to draw up a plan. She tapped a small red button on the back of her computer.
There was a knock on the door. Diana shut off the audio and turned to face the door.
“Come in.” It opened, and her youngest sister, Jeanette, entered.
Of the three, Jeanette was the one to receive most of their fathers genes. She was taller then Diana, had glowing yellow eyes, pale skin, unnatural blue hair, and a deadly air about her. Her Mark was shaped like the Roman Pi. Despite the demonic appearance, she was gentle, almost timid, until you threatened her or her family. She wore a lab coat over a gray shirt and khaki pants
Diana smiled. “Jean, hey.”
Jeanette closed the door. “I got your call. What's up?”
“We're just waiting on Elex.”
“I know. Anything I need to know beforehand?”
“Not yet.”
Another knock. Their middle sister entered. She was shorter then Diana, had pale skin, green eyes, and golden hair tied into pigtails. She had received a moderate set of genes, but the only outward one was her sharp teeth, and her Mark, which was shaped like the Roman Omega. She wore a red shirt over blue pants, a combat knife attached to her belt.
“What's up?” She asked.
Diana stood, tugging on her overalls. Her room was soundproof, so she could talk to her sisters freely. It was a feature she'd requested, as she loved to play the guitar, something that kept her parents up late at night. Her sisters rooms were also soundproof, as Jeanette played a piano and Elex played drums. All three loved to sing, and had formed their own band, something their father had mixed feelings for.
“Dad's sending ships to defend Oxen VII. Since the [i]Morte Navi[/i] hasn't had her shakedown yet, and dad said to schedule a day with her, I suggest that we take our new girl out.”
The younger girls exchanged glances. A smile spread on Elex's lips. “I hear the sound of combat in the coming hours.”
Jeanette glanced at the door. “I like the sound of combat too, but what if father catches us?”
“Hey,” Diana said, “He said to take her out one of these days. Why not today?”
Jeanette nodded, still uneasy.
“Now, lets take a look at her.” Diana had a holographic projection of the [i]Morte Navi[/i] appear over her work table. The ship split in half, one half disappearing while the other remaining.
Diana pointed to an area in the canter of the dish. “Here's the bridge.” She moved her finger to an area on the lower back of the saucer.“And here's the power core. It'll take me a minute to reach there.”
Elex nodded, but frowned. “How are we gonna operate it?”
Jeanette and Diana exchanged glances.
Diana spoke. “I'm gonna jury-rig an automation center near the shield generator. All we need to do is input a command and it'll take it from there. Jeanette, your gonna be responsible for controlling the rest of the ship.”
The youngest nodded.
“Elex, your gonna have control of the helm and weapons.”
Elex frowned at the word 'helm', but brightened at the word 'weapons'.
“Now, I'm gonna take the center seat. Only one problem.”
“What's that?” Elex asked.
“I don’t know how to be a captain.”
The girls giggled, but stopped at a sharp look from their sister.
Diana deactivated the holographic system and they opened the door.
Tod was nowhere to be seen.
The girls sighed in relief, and made their way out the door.
-
The girls materialized on the [i]Morte Navi's[/i] bridge. It was roomy, circular, and had every station required to operate the ship. The girls immediately got to work. Jeanette pulled the bottom panel off what would be her console and started reconfiguring the controls. Elex started working on her own too. Diana had more then them, and started working on jury rigging the whole ship.
The holographic image was one thing. Actually being here was another. The rooms were spotless, so shiny that the lighting had to be dropped to 74% just to be able to see. The corridors were arranged so they ran around the saucer and even ran between rooms. More then once, Diana found herself at the end of a corridor. It took her about ten minutes to figure out where the shield generator was. When she did, she was in awe. The device was usually large and bulky, but the Morte Navi's shield generator was small, sleek, and new. She smiled and got to work.
-
Jeanette finished setting up her console. She just needed a signal from Diana to test the system. She looked at Elex. “They said she has a new sound system, to play music for long journeys.”
Elex frowned. “They also said there's a room for recording new albums. Think the rumors are true?”
Jeanette smiled. “Computer, access my personal music selection and play song 44.”
Elex looked horrified as the computer beeped. “Not that classical shit!”
“It's good for you.” Jeanette said as the music started flowing through the speakers. She started dancing as Elex covered her ears, her expression a pained one. Minutes flowed by, the symphony seeming to go on forever, when the comm beeped. Jeanette immediately paused the music and moved to the comm station. She hesitated before pressing the button.
“Repair crew,” said the monotone voice of one of the dock AIs, “You are not scheduled to be on board the [i]Morte Navi[/i] at this time.”
Jeanette cleared her throat and, in her father's voice, said, “I wanted to check a few things before I scheduled a shakedown.”
An audible gulp came from the speakers. “I'm sorry, captain. I had assumed that your party was a repair team. Please, enjoy your stay.”
“Thank you. Do not log this transmission. I do not want anyone knowing we were here.”
“Yes sir. Have a good night sir.” The channel clicked off.
Jeanette sighed in relief. She noticed Elex's stare. “What?”
“That was really good. How did you do that?”
Jeanette smiled. “It is all in the vocals. You can not be a true singer if you can not mimic someones voice.”
Elex nodded as the comm beeped again. This was an intership comm, so Jeanette answered it immediately.
“Jeanette, you should be receiving a signal.” Diana said.
Jeanette checked her board. “I have you. Ready when you are.”
“I need to start the core. Be there soon.” She signed off.
Jeanette frowned, but a thought hit her. She keyed for the dock AI that had spoken to her.
“Captain? How may I help you?”
In her fathers voice, she said, “I am taking the [i]Morte Navi[/i] out for her shakedown now.”
“Are you sure, sir? Your daughters were suppose to...”
“I know what they were suppose to do. I'm taking the ship out for her shakedown so I don't have to worry about them.”
The AI was silent for a moment. “Yes sir. I'll open the main doors for you when you approach. Should I let your daughters know?”
“No. I will tell them later.”
“Yes sir. Have a good trip.”
“Thank you. [i]Morte Navi[/i], out.”
She cut the transmission, then hissed.
“What?” asked Elex.
“He is onto us. Bridge to Diana, better hurry up.”
“I'm starting the core now.”
-
Diana entered the engine room. It was three decks high, with bright green lines leading from a raised platform to either end of the engine room. She ran a hand over the consoles, then examined the system display before moving to the core. The comm beeped. “Bridge to Diana, better hurry up.” The panel activated on her approach. She pressed a few buttons and keyed on the system. “I'm starting the core now. Diana out.”
Large laser emitters in the roof turned and aimed at a single point. A black beam flew from their tips and converged in the center.
For a moment, nothing happened, then the telltale pull of a miniature black hole became apparent. A containment field snapped in place and the singularity expanded, filling the space in less then a second. The singularity was different then the natural ones. This required the radiation in the atmosphere to feed off of. It it ran out, the core would collapse and disappear until it was reactivated. As a special option, the containment fields could be dropped, destroying the ship and anything nearby until the radiation was absorbed.
Diana smiled as the green tubes started changing to the blue of pure plasma. The green was actually a liquid, called Kelana, that was a liquid until provided an electric charge, at which point it turned into a plasma. After the charge was taken out of the plasma, it reverted back to a liquid, which was pumped back to the core. The only flaw was that Kelana was hard to clean up when spilled and was corrosive to organic matter.
When it reached the edge of the engine room, Diana took off at a run. She had to get to the bridge, and fast. The doors opened at her approach as the lights snapped to full illumination. She skidded onto the bridge and immediately fired off her first orders.
“Elex, detach us from the dock and bring engines to full power. Jeanette, on my order, raise shields and set tractors in reverse.”
Her sisters immediately complied.
The [i]Morte Navi[/i] pulled its docking port back and started trying to detach from the large dock. Large clamps came down and hocked onto the dish, halting the ships escape.
Jeanette hissed. “Magnetic clamps. We're stuck.”
“Not for long.” Diana said. “Elex, target lasers.”
Elex smiled as Jeanette stepped up to Diana.
“You know what happens if lasers are fired at close range, right?”
“I know perfectly, but the Morte Navi was designed to prevent that.”
“I hope you are right.” Jeanette muttered as Elex overrode the safeties on the laser cannons.
“Locked on target. Ready to fire”
Diana closed her eyes and hesitated for a moment. Was what she was doing right? How badly would their father react? How bad would the punishment be? A small smile met her lips. Her father would probably lock her in her room, forgetting that she knew how to open the lock with her nails, and she would sneak out to be with Mark, her boyfriend.
“Fire.”
Bright sapphire beams of energy burst from the weapons, striking the large arm-like structures. The arms held for a moment before finally detonating, separating the large clamps from their arms.
“We're clear.” Elex said., surprised with the weapons efficiency.
“Ahead, full thrusters.” Diana said, keying up the [i]Morte Navi's[/i] forward cameras.
Next part in a few moments.
Edit: I forgot the italics. They should all be on now.
posted on September 6th, 2012, 12:29 am
Last edited by Destroyer92 on September 6th, 2012, 1:11 am, edited 1 time in total.
Heres the next part. Of note, the whole story has been done, so I'm uploading it as fast as I can.
Next part soon.
- Code: Select all
The holographic image appeared as the ship pulled out of its dock. Diana looked at it. The hanger bay for the Destroyer class was massive, partly thanks to its size, but also because of small warp-space compressors, which extended the rectangular tube to half a light year. Along the walls were small platforms, each holding a fighter, mostly of the Eagle Class design. Far below, people were actually walking, or taking a small tram to their destination. On the roof, large box-like structures were built into the metal. These would unpack to create a drydock, which could adjust itself to fit a ship of any size. The Morte Navi hadn't been built there, rather it was built in a large bay that was in the back of the hanger.
For a moment, the ship proceeded unhindered, then it lurched.
Jeanette frowned. “Tractor beam. They are trying to pull us back into the dock.”
“Reverse tractor polarity.”
Jeanette worked her panel. The tractor emitters started glowing blue, and a wave of energy emerged from them. It encompassed the ship, and the docks tractor beam faltered, flickering for a moment before dying. The ship jumped forward, finally released. Diana keyed up another hologram. A large ball appeared in the center of the room, showing everything around them. The first image started flashing red as small fighters lifted off from their platforms.
“The words out.” Jeanette said. “60 fighters are scrambling to intercept us. More are being prepped.”
“Shields.”
Jeanette pressed a key and a slight hum filled the air. The hairs on Diana's neck jumped up for a second as an invisible shield passed through her.
“Shields up.”
The lead fighter fired a warning shot, a pulse of ruby red energy that almost hit the shields.
Diana glanced at Elex. “Set Lasers to disable.”
Elex frowned, but complied.
The fighters, having been ignored, began firing, aiming for the [i]Morte Navi's[/i] engines. Laser cannons spun around and fired in kind, the now-dark sapphire beams hitting their mark with excellent precision. Damaged fighters spun out of control, their systems disabled by the disabling Lasers ionization effect. Small tractor beams caught them as they fell. For the ones that the beams couldn't catch, the pilots were beamed out before impact. The fight went on for a few minutes, new fighters appearing and engaging the larger ship.
Diana turned to her youngest sister. “Shield status?”
Jeanette looked at her. “Holding at 97%. Amazing radiative properties.”
Elex glanced over at her. “Your reputation precedes you, Jean.”
Jeanette thanked her.
“Coming up on hanger doors now.” Elex said as the large doors loomed closer. “I don't think we can just waltz through them.” She added.
Diana moved to Jeanette's side. “And...now, Jeanette.”
“Diana?”
Diana looked at her. “The doors, Jeanie”
“Keep your panties on. I'm working on it.”
She worked her panel, her long fingers moving at speeds that made them almost invisible. For a moment, it looked like the [i]Morte Navi[/i] would hit, but the doors suddenly started moving, going up like an old fashion garage door. When it cleared the middle of the dish, the girls breathed a sigh of relief.
“Ahead, full impulse.” Diana said.
Elex nodded and pushed the acceleration lever to full. The [i]Destroyer's [/i]hanger shrank away as the [i]Morte Navi[/i] sped away. Jeanette listened in to a small earpiece.
“Several Defenders are being ordered to intercept us. Orders are to disable our engines.”
Diana frowned. Defender Class destroyers were, as the name implied, originally for defense, however, they proved to be an offensive vessel, with four powerful Type-3 Target Seeking Chainguns and a pair of Photomon Torpedoes.
“How many?”
“Three. The [i]Gaka[/i], the [i]Jeras[/i], and the [i]Yewav[/i].”
Elex sighed. “There's always some kind of complication in our line of work.”
The other two nodded as the small ships flew out of the hanger. They were close, but they weren't fast enough to catch the [i]Morte Navi[/i]. Their warp engines suddenly flared. [i]Fuck[/i], thought Diana. The ships were using a low warp to increase their speed.
“Jeanette, polarize hull platting. Elex, what aft weapons do we have?”
“Laser Cannons and the Minigun.”
Diana and Jeanette exchanged glances, sharing evil smiles.
-
The Defenders approached the [i]Morte Navi[/i], their chainguns starting to spin to full speed. Suddenly, the [i]Morte Navi's[/i] minigun snapped around, and it was already spinning. Yellow streaks spat forth, striking the closest ship in the nacelle casing. The force of the impact threw the ship off course, forcing it to slam into the next ship. Both ships went out of control, while the third started firing. The bullets struck the hull, but careened off in random directions. The minigun turned on the helpless ship and fired, shattering the navigational sensor dish. The ship, blinded by the loss of its sensors, suddenly stopped, not wanting to hit something.
Jeanette made a happy sound. “We're clear. All three ships disabled.”
The [i]Destroyer[/i], which hadn't fired yet, completed the turn it had been making. All three girls gulped. If the massive ship got a tractor lock, any irrational action would destroy them.
A beep startled them. Jeanette moved to the comm. station.
She gulped again. “Its father.”
Diana took a deep breath. “On screen.”
The hologram of the [i]Destroyer [/i]changed, showing her fathers furious face. His eyes were red, and his hair was turning white at the roots, a sign of anger rather then rage. If he'd been raging mad, his hair would be completely white, something Diana had experienced once, and hoped never to experience again.
“[i]DSS Morte Navi[/i], this is Tod Cantrell. Diana, what the fuck are you doing with that ship?”
Diana gulped. “Taking her for a shakedown?” She asked, fear in her voice.
“Bullshit. You bring that ship to a stop now or your ass is grass.”
Diana felt a slight bit of anger in the pit of her stomach. While she knew she was in trouble, she didn't want to be talked to this way.
“But daddy...”
“No 'buts.' Bring that ship back NOW!” The white in his hair started seeping closer to the tips.
Diana stood. “No.”
On screen, Tod stood. “What did you tell me?”
“I said, 'no.' You are always keeping us away from this ship, now your refusing to let us take her out? What kind of father refuses to let his daughters do things, if only to learn they aren't suppose to do it?”
Her father's hair was now pure silver. For a moment, she thought he would order weapons to be fired.
Calmly, he said, “Bring that ship to a stop, or I'll do it for you.”
Diana put her hands behind her back. “I'm sorry, daddy. I cant do that. Jeanette, close the channel.”
Tod opened his mouth to speak again, but the transmission cut off. Diana winced as she imagined her father screaming her name in rage. She held sympathy for the bridge crew who had to listen to him.
“Elex, activate Warp Drive. Set a course for Oxen, maximum warp.”
Elex nodded, fear clouding her normally strong features. “Course set. Engaging Warp Engines.”
Before the ship, space warped until it opened up. The ship was immediately bathed in a multitude of colors. Reds, greens, blues, and yellows (Mostly yellows) lit the hull and the tunnel that seemed to go on forever. As the ship approached it, Diana wondered if Warp Space was warm. The ship suddenly accelerated, its engines momentary flashing white, a goodbye to normal space and the massive ship behind it. The deck moved slightly, an indication that the ship was at warp, but it wasn't enough to cause her to move her feet. In fact, she barely felt it. Diana smiled. The [i]Morte Navi[/i] was the most advanced Destroyer ship, aside from the Destroyer Class of course.
She sat.
“Jeanette, can we get some music on the speakers, maybe some of your relaxing music?”
Elex looked at her sharply, her eyes wide.
“No! Don't...”
Music played through the speakers and Elex grabbed her ears in mock pain.
-
I was standing. Diana was on the screen before me.
“No 'buts.' Bring that ship back NOW!” I said, feeling my rage build.
Diana stood from the captains seat, defiance dominating her features. “No.”
Now I stood. “What did you tell me?” I asked, shocked that she even used that word. In all her life, she'd never said that when it came to a direct order.
“I said, 'no.' You are always keeping us away from this ship, now your refusing to let us take her out? What kind of father refuses to let his daughters do things, if only to learn they aren't suppose to do it?”
That was it, I was pissed. No, far from pissed. I felt humiliated. For a very brief moment,I thought about ordering all weapons to be fired upon the [i]Morte Navi[/i]. I crushed the thought immediately. I could never fire upon my daughters. Never in a million years, even longer then that, as I would probably live to be a million.
I gritted my teeth and, calmly, ordered, “Bring that ship to a stop, or I'll do it for you.”
Diana put her hands behind her back. “I'm sorry, daddy. I cant do that.” She looked to the side. “Jeanette, close the channel.”
“Dont you dare.” I started to say, but her image disappeared before I started.
I started breathing hard, my rage hitting its peak. Everyone plugged their ears as I clenched my fists and screamed, [b]"DI-A-NA!”[/b] When I stopped, I dropped into my seat.
“Rob, full impulse. Harold, ready a tractor beam.” I muttered. They nodded and got to work.
I felt horrible. My only daughters had humiliated me in front of my crew, and, to make matters worse, they were rebelling. They were only teenagers, but that wasn't the point.
“Sir, they're charging their Warp Engines.” Sanya said.
I lifted my head. A flash appeared in front of the [i]Morte Navi[/i], and a Warp Tunnel appeared. For a moment, the ship just sat there, then the engines flashed and the ship stretched into the tunnel, which collapsed a moment later. A tear fell down my cheek. Everyone gasped. I never cried, not even when in pain. Never had I felt so betrayed, not even when the civil war broke out several years ago. This tear was the first I’d shed since I was 11, 434 years ago, in the year 1923, in the small holding cell underneath the infamous Area 51. I remembered it well, I hadn't cried for myself. It'd been for my best friend, Olivia Finderson, who had been raped by the guards. I had killed them, and cried over her broken form before she'd regained consciousness. I was later beaten, but it was a small price to pay for helping my best friend. Now, she was sitting in a regeneration tank, asleep and oblivious to the world, in my personal cargo hold.
I stood and moved to the screen. I placed a hand on the spot where the [i]Morte Navi[/i] had been just a few seconds before.
“Sir, she's accelerating past Warp 8.”
I turned to Sanya, who was staring at her board in disbelief. “What?”
“Make that Warp 9. No, Warp [b]10[/b]. Fuck, Warp [b]11[/b].”
My eyes widened. “What's she doing?”
“She holding off at...Warp 12.65.” She looked at me. “Sir, did you design her for that?”
I shook her head. Come to think of it, I never did sign off on the design of the [i]Morte Navi[/i]. The final designs were signed off by...
“Jeanette.” I muttered aloud.
Everyone looked at the place where the ship had been a moment later.
“Keep a track of her. Record any information to my personal files.”
“Yes sir.” Sanya said.
“Rob, continue course. Warp six.”
“Yes sir.”
I sat back in my seat. This was gonna be a long journey.
-
“We've successfully entered warp.” Elex announced.
“The [i]Destroyer[/i] is not perusing.” Jeanette said.
“Not yet.” Diana muttered. “Warp status?”
“We're at Warp 7.4 and counting.”
“Already?” Diana asked, looking at her sister.
Jeanette smiled as Elex said, “Yes ma'am. Now passing Warp 9.77.”
Diana mouthed 'Fuck” as she turned to Jeanette.
“You, [i]Smart Gal[/i], what did you design this ship to get to?”
Jeanette just smiled as Elex announced. “Now passing Warp 11.85.”
They were silent a moment, the hum of the powerful engines filling the air.
Finally, Elex said, “We've stopped accelerating. Now at Warp 12.65”
Diana slowly turned to her youngest sister. “Jeanette, did you build these engines yourself?”
“Yes I did, and I made sure to make as many modifications as possible.” She turned from them, pressing a button. The music from before resumed as she sat and leaned back. Diana and Elex exchanged glances. They watched her for a moment before Elex looked at her board.
“Recalculating time.” She said, then started muttering complex calculations in another language.
Diana watched her for a moment before she moved to the large holographic emitter in the center of the bridge.
“Jeanette, what's the fleet status at Oxen?”
The younger girl sat up, annoyed that her sister had called upon her. She fit an ear piece on and tuned the system, listening to the chatter from everything in range. She frowned.
“The fleet is being alerted to our approach, but the transmission says nothing about us stealing the [i]Morte Navi[/i]. In fact...wait.”
Both girls looked at her. Jeanette clicked of the music, trying to make sure she heard right.
“The enemy fleet is entering the system, and its [i]massive[/i]. They count sixty ships. Correction, seventy. No, eighty.” She paused. “One hundred and thirty two ships, mostly cruisers and destroyers. Three battleships are present.”
There was a brief moment of silence, then Diana plopped down into her chair and put her face in her hands.
“I didn't sign up for this.” Elex muttered.
“Neither did [i]I[/i].” Jeanette said. “I signed on because I wanted to see Diana's harebrained scheme go awry, not get blown up by an enemy fleet.”
They looked at their sister for a moment.
“I'm turning this ship around.” Elex said, reaching for the movement controls.
“[i]No[/i].”
The girls looked at Diana, who was now standing, her features filled with determination.
“We've come too far to go back. We all agreed to help the fleet, and we've committed to this mission by stealing this ship and attacking our own friends.”
She stepped up to the holographic emitter.
“I had a friend on the [i]Gaka[/i]. Now, I cant go back unless I can make up for it.” She turned to Elex. “What about you? Who do you know on those ships?”
Elex frowned, scanning her memory. When a name did pop up, she turned even whiter then she was a moment before.
“[b]Thorn [/b]was on the [i]Yewav[/i].” She gulped. “I'm gonna get so much crap for this.”
Diana turned to Jeanette. “What about you.”
Jeanette blinked. “I didn't know anyone on those ships. However, Simon was on one of the intercepting fighters.”
“How do you know?”
“His maneuvers gave him away, and I received a message on my communicator.” She became interested in her shoes. “He was not happy.”
“We can make it up. All we have to do is help take out this fleet, and we're good. Right?”
“Who did you know on the [i]Gaka[/i]?” Elex asked.
Diana froze. “I'd rather not talk about it.”
“It was Mark, wasn't it?”
Diana turned sharply to Elex, giving her a look that could've pierced the Duranite hull. Elex, realizing she'd crossed a boundary, shrank away.
Diana turned and started back for her seat. “How long before we reach Oxen?” She asked, in a calm voice.
Elex looked at her board. “Five minutes, thirty seconds.”
Diana sat. “Jeanette, put the fleet's comm. channel.”
Jeanette pressed a button, and voices flooded the bridge.
[i]Flagship to Jena, move up to section 7. Molos and Greda, on my flank. All ships, have your fighters provide the first attack wave. Vultures up front, Eagles in back. Kela, fall back. Your too far ahead. There entering visual range. My god. All ships, fire when ready. Fire lasers. Torpedoes, full spread. Our fighters are gone.[/i]
They listened for a minute. Listened to the combat chatter, listened to the screams as the ships were blasted apart, only to be silenced a moment later.
Finally, Diana said, “Turn it off.”
Jeanette complied, and the screams vanished. On the holographic viewer, red and green ships engaged. Both sides had ships winking out of existence.
“Elex, I want you to forgo Warp exiting Protocols.”
The younger girl looked at her sister. “You don't wanna drop out at the edge of the system?”
“No. I want you to park us right next to that.” She pointed at one of the battleships.
Elex gulped. “Yes ma'am. Orders for when we drop?”
“Fire everything. Break her back.”
Elex, having received the orders she loved, brightened. With a sadistic smile, she started programing the weapons. When she was done, she said, “Dropping out of warp in three...Two...One...”
On the forward viewer, the Warp Tunnel split open, revealing the side of a massive battleship.
Elex pushed the fire button, and the ship hissed. A pair of yellow-orange pulses launched from the ship. They left the exit appeture and struck the ship. The resulting explosion knocked the ship off it's axis, rolling the ship and throwing off its shot. The [i]Morte Navi[/i] exited Warp Space, and Elex immediately started laying down cover fire for a Mark-3 that had taken a hit to its shield generator.
Diana looked at the scene before her
“Elex, your weapons free. Good hunting.”
Elex smiled menacingly, and started doing what she did best, killing stuff.
The [i]Morte Navi[/i] arched around, the battleship it had hit a moment before coming around. Bright sapphire beams struck the battleships massive Magnetic Acceleration Gun, or MAG, melting the large rods it used to launch a massive projectile at near-Warp speeds. The remains of the rods started sparking, an arch of electricity passing between them. A flash appeared at the end, and a yellow projectile started coming out. It hit the melted parts, and exploded, blasting the entire front of the ship apart. The [i]Morte Navi[/i] was joined by three Mark-3s.
Jeanette looked at Diana. “Sis, our flagships down.”
“Patch me in.”
“Your on.”
“This is Captain Diana Cantrell of the [i]DSS Morte Navi[/i].” She said, proud to finally use the title of 'Captain'. “All ships, I'm taking command of the fleet. Throw the rule book out the window boys and girls, Hit them with everything you have. Start with the battleships and focus on those MAGs.”
Jeanette listened for a moment. “The fleets acknowledging your orders.”
In space, every ship stopped firing at the smaller destroyers and cruisers, instead turning that firepower onto the massive battleships. Twenty-five Haze Mark-1s, thirty Haze MK-3s and a single Haze Mark-1 Alpha attacked the battleships. Ruby-red lasers struck one, with orange-red torpedos and silver missiles striking the other. The combined firepower shattered both ships armor and struck the main weapons. The missiles detonated on one, blasting the sides out. The other was lucky, until a spread of six yellow-orange projectiles struck the ships engineering section. The powerful core detonated, taking out its nearby escorts. The Destroyer ships then broke formation and started striking anything in their way, at times providing cover fire for the [i]Morte Navi[/i]. The TCF cruisers started regrouping, swarming the Destroyers one ship at a time. They took out three Mark-1s before coming for the Morte Navi.
Jeanette informed Diana of the maneuver.
“Very clever. Overwhelm our defenses by shear mass alone, but we're clever too, aren't we girls?” She received a pair of 'yeses'. “Then lets test something. Jeanette, how sophisticated is the main systems of a TCF cruiser?”
“Not very. I could override the entire ship if I had access to the comm system. Why?”
Diana gave her sister a look. “Don’t we have a sound system built in? It would make sense we'd have [i]microphones[/i].” Jeanette though for a moment, and a smile soon spread across her face.
Next part soon.
posted on September 6th, 2012, 12:32 am
Damn, I'm surprised that its been on 1 page so far. Well, here's the last part
So, what do you all think. Comments are welcome.
- Code: Select all
The ships came closer. The [i]Morte Navi[/i] turned to them, its minigun spinning.
-
Diana nodded to Jeanette, and bright spotlights appeared. Before Diana was a stage, complete with large stands. She was back on the [i]DSS Destroyer[/i], playing one of the many concerts they had. Beside her was Jeanette, her fingers resting on the first keys. Elex was behind them, waiting for the right moment. She sighed loudly, the signal Jeanette needed. The first keys filled the air, before her more then beside her due to the amps flanking her and Jeanette. She sang as Elex hit a small drum, a low sound that accompanied her voice.
[i]“How can you see into my eyes like open doors?”[/i]
She strummed her guitar, the noise filling the air, albeit more quietly.
[i]“Leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb”[/i]
Diana started playing, more loudly then before. Jeanette looked on, her fingers stopping. As she sang, Jeanette and Elex added their voices.
[i]Without a soul my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home.[/i]
-
The enemy ships suddenly started slowing, their systems starting to change control to the ship before them. Some of them shut down, while the rest suddenly started firing on one another.
-
[i]“Wake me up”[/i] Elex yelled into her mic.
The song suddenly went from peaceful, to an all out rock session. Jeanette abandoned her piano and moved to a sound mixer.
[i]“Wake me up inside”[/i] Diana yelled.
[i]“I can’t wake up”[/i] Jeanette whispered
[i]“Wake me up inside.”[/i] Diana called.
[i]“Save me,”[/i] Jeanette whispered, sounding desperate.
[i]“Call my name. Save me from the darkness inside.”[/i]
[i]“Wake me up.”[/i]
[i]“Tonight, my blood shall run”[/i]
[i]
“I can’t wake up.”
“Then I'll come undone.”
“Save me”
“Save me from the nothing I'll become.”
[/i]
-
Explosions dotted the area before the [i]Morte Navi[/i]. TCF ships shattered as other ships fired their MAGs. The scene seemed more like a cavil war then a fight against another foe.
-
Diana spoke, her voice full of pain, [i]“I'm frozen inside without your touch."[/i]
[i]“I'm dying without your love, darling”[/i] Jeanette said, the same sadness in her voice.
[i]“Only you are the life among the dead”[/i]
A new voice joined them. Diana smiled at the newcomer, her boyfriend, Mark.
[i]
“I can't believe, all this time, I couldn't see.
I've been kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me”
[/i]
Diana moved to him, taking his hand with a smile.
[i]
“I’ve been sleeping a thousand years. Gotta open my eyes to everything.”
“Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul”
“Don't let me die here”[/i] Jeanette whispered, her voice horse.
[i]“There must be something more”[/i] Elex screamed into her mic., her voice filling the air.
[i]“Bring me to life”[/i] Diana called.
[i]“Wake me up”[/i].Jeanette called.
[i]“Wake me up inside”[/i] Diana yelled.
[i]“I can’t wake up”[/i] Jeanette whispered
[i]“Wake me up inside”[/i] Diana called.
[i]“Save me,”[/i] Jeanette whispered, sounding desperate.
[i]“Call my name. Save me from the darkness inside.”[/i]
[i]
“Wake me up.”
“Tonight, my blood shall run”
“I can’t wake up.”
“Then I'll come undone.”
“Save me”
“Save me from the nothing I'll become.”[/i] Diana said, almost begging.
The song suddenly took on a peaceful tone. Jeanette moved back to her piano.
[i]“We been living a lie.”[/i] Diana asked, almost a whisper.
[i]“If we have, then I deserve to die.”[/i] Mark whispered.
[i]“You brought me back to life”
“And I wont let you fall.”
“Stay close. Never leave me.”[/i] Diana said.
[i]“What will it take for you to forgive me?”[/i] Mark whispered.
[i]“I want to live.”[/i] Jeanette said, almost moaning.
[i]“I want to shine.” [/i]Elex said, mimicking Jeanette's tone.
[i]“I've been tryin make you mine.”[/i] Diana said, looking into Marks eyes.
They embraced and kissed as the crowd cheered. For a moment, they were locked there, but as she pulled away, Mark started to shimmer. He disappeared, and so did Jeanette and Elex. The crowd vanished and the scene around her shimmered, replaced by the bridge of the [i]Morte Navi[/i]. Diana blinked, not understanding for a moment. She'd been so caught up in the 'performance', she'd forgotten it'd been fake. Jeanette appeared.
“Are you alright?” She asked, noticing her confused look.
“Yeah, I'm fine. Just...disappointed.”
“That it wasn't him?”
“Yeah.”
Jeanette hesitated a moment before putting a comforting hand on her sisters shoulder.
“Don't worry. You'll see him again.”
Diana nodded. “Status?”
“Well, we took out most of their cruisers, using their own weapons against them. Our ships are moping up the last of their destroyers before we head home.”
“Good. And the [i]Morte Navi[/i].”
“Only a slight power drain from the holographic systems.”
“Good.” Diana said, stepping off the large holographic emitter. She felt a sudden surge of guilt, for what reason, she couldn't understand.
She walked to her chair. “Elex, plot a course for the [i]Destroyer[/i].”
Elex nodded. Jeanette sat in her seat.
“The last ship is gone. The other ships are headed home. They've gone to warp.”
“Send our good wishes.”
Jeanette typed in the commands, but paused.
“Diana, I'm receiving a distress call.”
The older girl frowned. “Put it up.”
Jeanette moved and a garbled voice filled the air.
[i]“This is the DSS...Under attack by...user. Request assistance. Mayday, mayday, this is the [/i]DSS Frass[i]. We are under attack by a TCF destroyer. Request...”[/i] An explosion cut them off.
Diana stood. “Elex, intercept coarse. Jeanette, information.”
Elex nodded as Jeanette said, “The [i]Frass[/i] is a third generation mining freighter. At present, its caring enough ore to make a single person wealthy, at least four billion credits worth.”
Elex whistled as the ship entered Warp Space.
“That's not all. She was tasked with bringing a highly valued item to the [i]Destroyer[/i], worth [i]twice[/i] as much as the cargo.”
Credit symbols appeared in Diana's eyes, but she blinked them away. “Can you get a reading on the ship attacking them?”
“Not really. The [i]Frass [/i]was equipped with six Laser Banks. For a destroyer to attack them, the captain would have to be sneaky.”
“That reminds me. Elex, you never did fire the Laser Banks.”
Elex turned red. “I was saving the power.”
“Admit it, you cant aim them.”
“Could too.”
“Could not.”
“Could too.”
“Could not.”
“Could...”
[i][b]“Enough!”[/b][/i]
Both girls jumped and looked at Jeanette. She stepped over to the weapon station and pressed a few keys.
“Elex, your targeting computer is off by a few millimeters. I'm realigning it so you can fire [i]all[/i] of our weapons”
Elex winced.
“Ah ha! I knew you were...”
A look from Jeanette silenced her.
Jeanette finished her modifications and returned to her station.
“Approaching the coordinates.” Elex said.
The [i]Morte Navi[/i] dropped out of Warp a distance away from the nearest planet.
“I've got the [i]Frass [/i]on sensors. She's badly damaged and requires assistance. The destroyer is nowhere to be seen.”
“On screen.”
The image of the freighter came on. It was a large freighter, with a slightly rounded front and large wings that swept from the sides to the bottom. The freighter, however, was missing a wing, and a hole in its aft section.
“Plasma emissions?”
“None. The destroyer is still here.”
“Raise shields.”
“Shields up.” Jeanette said. She frowned. “Strange, I'm detecting a radiation spike.”
“Radiation?” Elex asked.
“Yes, electromagnetic in nature.”
Diana turned to her sharply. “Polarize hull platting.”
Jeanette frowned. “We aren't going to hail the [i]Frass[/i]?”
“Why would we? We still have an enemy in the area.”
“Yes, but protocol is clear. We must contact the [i]Frass [/i]to assess the situation.”
“First off, I never read the rule book. Second, I think we know enough about the [i]situation[/i] to know we're dead if [i]we don't polarize our hull plating[/i].”
Jeanette hesitated, but nodded. As she typed in a command, the screen showed a flash. A pulse of yellow appeared and illuminated a small ship, much smaller then the freighter. The ship disappeared as the pulse fired. The ship hummed with power as the pulse neared them. Diana jerked forward, the ship tossing her like a toy. She hit the floor, coming to a rest near the holographic emitter. She shook her head to clear it. “Elex, fire at will. Jeanette, activate radar.”
Both girls acknowledged the orders as she stood. A trickle of blood appeared at her forehead.
“Radar online.” Jeanette announced.
“Set to active scans.” Diana said.
Jeanette nodded and soon a loud ping sounded through the hull. It did this three times before Jeanette said, “Got them. Barring 325 mark 012.”
Elex fired a pulse from the Laser Banks and it struck the ship, illuminating it again.
“Elex, fire at will. Jeanette, what's happening.”
“Our sensors are having difficulties trying to show them. They are powered down and appear to have stolen the Frass's shield generator. They must be having trouble with it, as it shouldn't be showing the ship at all.”
The ship on the screen fired again. Diana grasped the console nearest to her. The ship jerked, badly, sending all three girls to the floor. They climbed up, but Jeanettes panel suddenly exploded into shower of sparks.
She pressed a button. “[i]Son of a bitch[/i].”
“What?” They asked, having only heard their sister swear in times of great anger.
“They've knocked out the automation center. I have lost control over everything. Shields, weapons...”
“We're sitting ducks.”
“Essentially. I do have three torpedoes that I can still fire, but I cant reload.”
Diana paced for a moment, surprised that the ship hadn't fired again.
“Can we hail them?”
“Yes.”
“Do it.”
“But Diana...”
“It'll buy us enough time to get everything working. Do it.”
Jeanette nodded. Diana wiped the blood off her forehead, the cut fully healed. A moment later, a man appeared on the screen. He was short, looked about 30, and looked like he'd been through hell.
“This is Diana Cantrell of the [i]DSS Morte Navi[/i]. Stand down now or we will destroy you.”
“[i]Morte Navi[/i] this is the [i]TCS Gettysberg[/i]. It's not we who shall stand down, it is you. We know this freighter is carrying [i]biological weapons[/i] known to destroy organic matter. You will give them, and all information about them to us, or we will fire again.”
Diana frowned. With a look at Jeanette, she silently ordered her to scan the [i]Frass[/i]. Jeanette did, but shook her head.
“[i]Gettysberg[/i], the [i]Frass [/i]isn't carrying any biological weapons. What your reading is an ore they mine.”
“Bullshit. I can see the scans for myself. I found 150 different weapons, all designed to kill organic matter.”
Jeanette mouthed “That’s all the metric tons of ore.”
Diana sighed. “Alright. Give us some time to call up the data from our computers.”
“I have a better idea. Why don't you just give me your computer core.”
Diana's frown deepened. She's tied the automation center into the core.
“Alright, but we need time to disconnect it.”
“You have [i]five [/i]minutes.” His image winked out.
Diana sighed.
“That was a very bad move.” Jeanette said.
“True, but it bought me enough time to repair the damage.”
“Then you better get going.”
Diana flashed her sister an ancient gesture before running off. Jeanette frowned, not understanding while Elex laughed.
Diana got to work. There wasn't much to do, just replace some of the control crystals that had been knocked lose. After she finished, she hit the sensor dome and reconfigured the sensor dish. The destroyer was an old Florida Class, which was retired due to faulty power couplings that were vulnerable to [i]electromagnetic [/i]radiation. When she got to the bridge, the comm was beeping again.
“It's the [i]Gettysberg[/i].”
“Alright. I reconfigured the deflector. On my signal, fire an electromagnetic pulse at them.” When Jeanette nodded, she said. “On screen.”
The man appeared again.
“[i]Morte Navi[/i], your time is up.”
“Here it comes. Jeanette?”
The girl's long fingers pressed a few keys. A pulse of blue light fired from the sensor dome and struck the ship. Its lights winked out and its MAG shut down.
“Elex, take out the garbage.”
Elex smiled and pressed a button. A single torpedo was fired, the yellow-orange projectile flying into the barrel for the MAG. A moment later, an explosion ripped the ship in half, and a second explosion blasted apart the ships aft end, obliterating the front as well. The ship moved a little as the shock wave hit.
Diana sighed. “Jeanette, hail the [i]Frass[/i].”
“On screen.”
A teenage girl appeared. She was tall, her uniform was covered in soot and blood, and a large gash ran down the side of her face. Despite this, she smiled. “Captain, thank you. I dont know how much longer we would've lasted.”
“Our pleasure, [i]Frass[/i]. Do you need a tow?”
“If it wont inconvenience you too greatly. Our Warp Drive took a serious hit.”
“No problem, and no charge.” She added.
The teens face brightened. “Thank you again. [i]Frass[/i] out.” The image went out.
“Jeanette, slap a tractor beam onto the [i]Frass[/i]. Elex, set a course for the [i]Destroyer[/i], maximum warp.”
She was acknowledged by both girls. Happy that her orders were being carried out, she closed her eyes.
-
I paced around. In the distance, I saw a black line where the doors had opened. There was a flash, and the [i]Morte Navi[/i] appeared, behind it, in a beam of sparkling blue graviton particles, was a large freighter. Printed on its side, was the name [i]DSS Frass[/i]. I opened my mouth in wonder , but closed it and frowned.
The [i]Morte Navi[/i] looked like it'd been through hell. There was carbon scoring on the entire forward quarter and a hole seemed to appear under the port Laser Bank.
New tractor beams grabbed the [i]Frass[/i], and the [i]Morte Navi[/i] cut hers before gliding into the dock, stopping just five meters from me. The only part of the [i]Morte Navi[/i] that wasn't covered was the area around the name plate. The name stood out, even as the ship powered down. I turned to look at the docking port as it extended to mate with the catwalk.
My daughters walked out, hands behind their backs and proud looks on their faces. They stopped just five feet away, unsure of my intentions. They saluted, and I returned it.
“I'm disappointed in you.”
They lost their smiles and took interest in their shoes.
“You didn't even get me any [i]souvenirs[/i].”
They looked up in surprise. I smiled and held out my arms. They embraced me.
“Next time, just ask.” I whispered.
“But daddy...” Diana started, sounding like a little kid.
“But nothing. Now go get cleaned up for dinner.”
They took off, leaving behind clouds of dust. I examined the ship, looking at it in detail. A repair team appeared. I looked at the head tech. “Clean her up, patch that hole. Make her spotless.”
“Yes sir. Lets go.” They were off.
I watched them work for a moment before heading back. I had gone easy on my girls, and though I was still hurt by their betrayal, and Diana's words, I still was proud. The fleet had been overwhelmed and the girls, in command of the [i]Morte Navi[/i], had not only saved the fleet, but had done the best shakedown in the books. It was similar to the [i]Destroyer[/i], in that its 'shakedown' was a battle, though, unlike the [i]Destroyer[/i], it didn't lose power several times.
I sighed and took the next available elevator. Diana was the one who'd though of stealing the [i]Morte Navi[/i], and I knew it. Only she would think about it. Come to think of it, how did she know that Oxen was under attack?
I pondered this as the doors opened.
So, what do you all think. Comments are welcome.
posted on September 6th, 2012, 6:27 pm
I'll offer a few comments from what I read. I skimmed over it to get a feel for most of the story. If I ask questions that you did answer then it's my own fault. However, perhaps these questions could be best answered immediately in an intro like paragraph (may be better than waiting to the middle of the story to find out federation is gone, or this isn't even star trek at all)
1) perhaps more to set the stage for the readers. I understand we are probably in a trek-like universe, but details. Year? Warp 11? When/how did we pass 10? (optional for passing 10, but being in warp 11-12 all of a sudden I don't know anything about this, and I'm out of touch with where/when the story is taking place) Who are we - main characters. The oxen system is controlled by who? What is our relation to them, are we at war in this story? Is it a big war, short or long war etc.
2) Beyond the date/time/empire. A general historical recap for why the crew might be the way they are. Why is everyone in this story so young, or why do they all 'look young'. A character 'appears 8'... are they 21 and just look really young in general as a species? or they appear 8 because they actually are 8. Is there something happening where people are really smart, is it an time of desperation where young people are off in battles regularly?
3) A few lines touched on 'demon' ... this could use a bit more detail. Again, demon compared to? How does everything relate together.
4) Who is the family? Beyond the fact that this is a different time period etc, it's focussed heavily on a family, so put them in context with the time. Is this like the picard of the age? Or the Quark type? wesley crusher?
5) the song lyrics was really awkward. now we're in a futuristic world, where a song from centuries passed is being sung? and three girls just sing music like this while on a mission? There are other ways of paying tribute to a song if you like it, put the lyrics in a phrase, or a thought, but don't make the scene about actually singing the lyrics.
6) in this case, i don't feel commenting on liking or disliking the story really goes anywhere. people's interests vary as to how this might go. but enough to say my personal taste is all in the details, and a nice overarching theme. I have no idea what the over aching story line is, and I can't focus on details that well here. I don't know enough.
1) perhaps more to set the stage for the readers. I understand we are probably in a trek-like universe, but details. Year? Warp 11? When/how did we pass 10? (optional for passing 10, but being in warp 11-12 all of a sudden I don't know anything about this, and I'm out of touch with where/when the story is taking place) Who are we - main characters. The oxen system is controlled by who? What is our relation to them, are we at war in this story? Is it a big war, short or long war etc.
2) Beyond the date/time/empire. A general historical recap for why the crew might be the way they are. Why is everyone in this story so young, or why do they all 'look young'. A character 'appears 8'... are they 21 and just look really young in general as a species? or they appear 8 because they actually are 8. Is there something happening where people are really smart, is it an time of desperation where young people are off in battles regularly?
3) A few lines touched on 'demon' ... this could use a bit more detail. Again, demon compared to? How does everything relate together.
4) Who is the family? Beyond the fact that this is a different time period etc, it's focussed heavily on a family, so put them in context with the time. Is this like the picard of the age? Or the Quark type? wesley crusher?
5) the song lyrics was really awkward. now we're in a futuristic world, where a song from centuries passed is being sung? and three girls just sing music like this while on a mission? There are other ways of paying tribute to a song if you like it, put the lyrics in a phrase, or a thought, but don't make the scene about actually singing the lyrics.
6) in this case, i don't feel commenting on liking or disliking the story really goes anywhere. people's interests vary as to how this might go. but enough to say my personal taste is all in the details, and a nice overarching theme. I have no idea what the over aching story line is, and I can't focus on details that well here. I don't know enough.
posted on September 7th, 2012, 4:24 am
Sorry, I'm always forgetting some kind of intro.
The story isn't in the startrek universe. Instead, I made it in a new one, one central to my stuff.
The year, as stated (kind of) is in the second part of the story:
The year is 2357, Tod is 445. The oxen system is controlled by the Destroyers, Tod's group. As for who we are, for brief periods, such as the beginning, we see things from Tod's perspective. The rest of the story is more of a 3rd person narrative. Now, there is a war going on, a war between the Terran Coalition Force (TCF) and the Destroyers. Attacks are frequent, but a fleet of the size in the story hasn't been encountered before. As for Warp Drive, its more of a multiplyer of how fast a ship is going, using the Speed of Light as a refference. The DSS Destroyer can only reach Warp 6, while the Haze Mark-1 can reach Warp 9.5 with some damage to the engine interiors. The Morte Navi was designed to reach the speed shown, though not by its original creator. As Jeanette designed the engines, and part of the hull, she enhanced it to an even greater speed then it was originally designed for.
Sorry about that. The Destroyers use a radiation in their atmosphere, similar to Metaphasic Radiation, but more potent. Characters age at a much slower rate, some at half the normal age, some at a tenth. They stop aging at around 16 physical years of age, though Tod is an exception as he was exposed at 17 years of age. I only discribe what they look like, so people can understand their looks, such as Sanya;
She's probably about 10 - 15 Earth years. Anyway , teens are usually captains, though there are some 'younger' people who are given command.
That's the best I could describe him. He's not the stereotypical guy in a red suit with a pitchfork, no. He is as discribed;
The main family are the Cantrell's. Tod, Diana, Jeanette, and Elex are all augments, with the girls being 'half'. Their age shows what powers they have.
All four are gifted singers, though Tod hasn't put his voice to use since he was a kid.
Diana is the oldest, and hasn't recieved many of her fathers genes. She is discribed as such;
She basicly has enhanced regeneration capabilities and enhanced reflexes, alowing her to play the guitar. She loves anything with gears, and could take your car apart and put it back together while making it run better and with less gas.
Elex is closer to half human and half augment then the others. This is her discription.
Elex would be closely described as a Klingon in a Human body. She loves combat, but, unlike a Klingon, can recognized when a battle looks more like a suicide mission. She is also a thief, and could easily steal your wallet with you looking right at her. She is super strong, which is why she can only play the drums.
Jeanette is the youngest, and is discribed as such;
The geek of the family. She prefers researching new technologies rather then fighting, though she is designed for it. As you can read, she has trouble with contractions, much like her father did when he was young. One other thing she and her father share are claws, one for each finger, and each hidden in the middle of their fingers with the openings at the tip of each finger. These claws can be deployed at any time, and are extremely sharp. She also has a mysterious past, that can only be told in another story.
Sorry about the song. I wanted a great way to show that these girls are singers, and wanted a song for them to sing, but as I started with the lyrics, I started to think about them making their own, with some covers of ancient songs, as I'm not good with making songs at all. Songs such as that are still sung in the year of the story, but are only popular in the Destroyers, as the TCF have new artists and songs.
I know, the changes suck, but hey, I'm a gamer, not a song writer.
Just tell me what you did like, what you think I need work on, and, if you want, what you didn't like. I welcome all critiques, even if I disagree with them a little. And If you wanna learn more, I can make more stories.
As soon as I can put models into the game, I can start releasing parts of my mod. It's still a WIP, but will soon be good enough to use. When I can start making my own campaign missions, I will also be adding sections of my stories in, mostly so players can understand things better.
Any more questions?
The story isn't in the startrek universe. Instead, I made it in a new one, one central to my stuff.
1) perhaps more to set the stage for the readers. I understand we are probably in a trek-like universe, but details. Year? Warp 11? When/how did we pass 10? (optional for passing 10, but being in warp 11-12 all of a sudden I don't know anything about this, and I'm out of touch with where/when the story is taking place) Who are we - main characters. The oxen system is controlled by who? What is our relation to them, are we at war in this story? Is it a big war, short or long war etc.
The year, as stated (kind of) is in the second part of the story:
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This tear was the first I’d shed since I was 11, 434 years ago, in the year 1923
The year is 2357, Tod is 445. The oxen system is controlled by the Destroyers, Tod's group. As for who we are, for brief periods, such as the beginning, we see things from Tod's perspective. The rest of the story is more of a 3rd person narrative. Now, there is a war going on, a war between the Terran Coalition Force (TCF) and the Destroyers. Attacks are frequent, but a fleet of the size in the story hasn't been encountered before. As for Warp Drive, its more of a multiplyer of how fast a ship is going, using the Speed of Light as a refference. The DSS Destroyer can only reach Warp 6, while the Haze Mark-1 can reach Warp 9.5 with some damage to the engine interiors. The Morte Navi was designed to reach the speed shown, though not by its original creator. As Jeanette designed the engines, and part of the hull, she enhanced it to an even greater speed then it was originally designed for.
2) Beyond the date/time/empire. A general historical recap for why the crew might be the way they are. Why is everyone in this story so young, or why do they all 'look young'. A character 'appears 8'... are they 21 and just look really young in general as a species? or they appear 8 because they actually are 8. Is there something happening where people are really smart, is it an time of desperation where young people are off in battles regularly?
Sorry about that. The Destroyers use a radiation in their atmosphere, similar to Metaphasic Radiation, but more potent. Characters age at a much slower rate, some at half the normal age, some at a tenth. They stop aging at around 16 physical years of age, though Tod is an exception as he was exposed at 17 years of age. I only discribe what they look like, so people can understand their looks, such as Sanya;
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“What about the Mark-1?” asked Sanya, my science officer, as she tilted her head. She was the youngest of the team, looking about [b]five[/b]. She had fair skin, blond hair tied into pigtails, and blue eyes.
She's probably about 10 - 15 Earth years. Anyway , teens are usually captains, though there are some 'younger' people who are given command.
3) A few lines touched on 'demon' ... this could use a bit more detail. Again, demon compared to? How does everything relate together.
That's the best I could describe him. He's not the stereotypical guy in a red suit with a pitchfork, no. He is as discribed;
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As I waited, I looked at my reflection in the metal doors. Before me stood a demon in human skin, pale skin at that, with glowing yellow eyes and teeth so sharp, they could bite through metal. It's black hair looked like it hadn't combed it, which it had. On its right hand, looking sunk into the skin, was a glowing Roman Delta. This was a natural substance found only on augmented humans. It was named the Mark of the Augment. Usually, I would cover it over with makeup, but there was no point now.
This was me, a demon that looked human.
4) Who is the family? Beyond the fact that this is a different time period etc, it's focussed heavily on a family, so put them in context with the time. Is this like the picard of the age? Or the Quark type? wesley crusher?
The main family are the Cantrell's. Tod, Diana, Jeanette, and Elex are all augments, with the girls being 'half'. Their age shows what powers they have.
All four are gifted singers, though Tod hasn't put his voice to use since he was a kid.
Diana is the oldest, and hasn't recieved many of her fathers genes. She is discribed as such;
- Code: Select all
She looked slightly younger then her mother, had pale skin, and unnaturally red hair. On her right hand, a glowing symbol presented itself. Her Mark was shaped like the Destroyer 'D', a thick line arcing over an oval. She wore a pink shirt underneath blue overalls, which held a few tools that contributed to her skill as a mechanic.
She basicly has enhanced regeneration capabilities and enhanced reflexes, alowing her to play the guitar. She loves anything with gears, and could take your car apart and put it back together while making it run better and with less gas.
Elex is closer to half human and half augment then the others. This is her discription.
- Code: Select all
She was shorter then Diana, had pale skin, green eyes, and golden hair tied into pigtails. She had received a moderate set of genes, but the only outward one was her sharp teeth, and her Mark, which was shaped like the Roman Omega. She wore a red shirt over blue pants, a combat knife attached to her belt.
Elex would be closely described as a Klingon in a Human body. She loves combat, but, unlike a Klingon, can recognized when a battle looks more like a suicide mission. She is also a thief, and could easily steal your wallet with you looking right at her. She is super strong, which is why she can only play the drums.
Jeanette is the youngest, and is discribed as such;
- Code: Select all
Of the three, Jeanette was the one to receive most of their fathers genes. She was taller then Diana, had glowing yellow eyes, pale skin, unnatural blue hair, and a deadly air about her. Her Mark was shaped like the Roman Pi. Despite the demonic appearance, she was gentle, almost timid, until you threatened her or her family. She wore a lab coat over a gray shirt and khaki pants
The geek of the family. She prefers researching new technologies rather then fighting, though she is designed for it. As you can read, she has trouble with contractions, much like her father did when he was young. One other thing she and her father share are claws, one for each finger, and each hidden in the middle of their fingers with the openings at the tip of each finger. These claws can be deployed at any time, and are extremely sharp. She also has a mysterious past, that can only be told in another story.
5) the song lyrics was really awkward. now we're in a futuristic world, where a song from centuries passed is being sung? and three girls just sing music like this while on a mission? There are other ways of paying tribute to a song if you like it, put the lyrics in a phrase, or a thought, but don't make the scene about actually singing the lyrics.
Sorry about the song. I wanted a great way to show that these girls are singers, and wanted a song for them to sing, but as I started with the lyrics, I started to think about them making their own, with some covers of ancient songs, as I'm not good with making songs at all. Songs such as that are still sung in the year of the story, but are only popular in the Destroyers, as the TCF have new artists and songs.
I know, the changes suck, but hey, I'm a gamer, not a song writer.
) in this case, i don't feel commenting on liking or disliking the story really goes anywhere. people's interests vary as to how this might go. but enough to say my personal taste is all in the details, and a nice overarching theme. I have no idea what the over aching story line is, and I can't focus on details that well here. I don't know enough.
Just tell me what you did like, what you think I need work on, and, if you want, what you didn't like. I welcome all critiques, even if I disagree with them a little. And If you wanna learn more, I can make more stories.
As soon as I can put models into the game, I can start releasing parts of my mod. It's still a WIP, but will soon be good enough to use. When I can start making my own campaign missions, I will also be adding sections of my stories in, mostly so players can understand things better.
Any more questions?
posted on September 8th, 2012, 4:31 pm
I think I already stated most of the comments I think would be useful. I generally don't read many novels, it's hard to get into the characters knowing they're all from the mind of one author. I just have trouble believing and sinking into the story sometimes.
Mostly I read books that are author discussing/explaining/exploring a subject, or documentary like, not novelist writing a story. However, in general, if I ever do read the occasional novel it would be science fiction. My favourites are apocalyptic novels that make it very easy to suspend disbelief. The story is just so far fetched my inclination to not jump in gets overridden because the premise is already so far out there. I find it easier to believe the story when I'm told it's in the future, where apocalyptic events have taken place and everything has changed.
I get this is part of the mod, and not a full fledged story, so hard to say what needs work if its just back story what not. But I would think more writing that has nothing to do with dialogue would help in the beginning. Some things to perhaps keep in mind,
1) as the author, you don't want to leave you readers asking questions, they should get timely answers right upfront(unless for plot reasons the whole point is keeping them guessing, but that's harder). so this goes back to date/history/place etc. Maybe had I known more about your mod I would know it's not star trek, but it's kind of important considering you use terms like metaphasic radiation, warp, and plasma conduits, considering the forum I'm thinking star trek... but with warp 12? so very much in the future. and right there, I'm already wrong, because I'm thinking year 2600, etc, anyways. Because it's not star trek, all the more important to answer the question of who/what/when/where/why/how. If a reader doesn't get these bits of information, very easy to lose interest, become confused, etc and just down hill from there.
2) keep in mind this is written text, so some things can't be done in this format that can be done easily in other mediums like movies, radio etc. physical sensations such as taste, sound, smell, even sight (although this is easiest to describe) is really hard to get across to the reader. a particular song, or taste of a specific dish is really hard to convey. So all you can do is explain how it affects the character for instance, my character is eating his favourite meal - instead of describing that meal in detail (which in my view provides very little to the reader who can't experience it), I can just describe what it does to the character - makes him relaxed, or excited, or fills him with memories of happiness etc (obviously better than that but yeah) with song lyrics, unless i know the style of the artist (which i only do because it is of our time and i know the song) you would really be completely lost with out that. imagine me writing the song lyrics 'random lyrics here' and it's a song you've never heard. then you are just forced to go through the words reading these lyrics with no understanding of the tune, or anything else of what's going on. ... so awkward for the reader. same with the passage of time. in a movie, you can do a nice fade out and come back years later and reintroduce a character that looks much older, I just saw an actor age 9, and here is the same character, different actor aged 30... so more obvious passage of time. in a book, I can write a small blurb, 'that was my childhood up to age 10 playing innocently' and now it is 18 years later. those 18 years is nothing to the reader. i just read that in two seconds. so i get no visual as to how the character has changed or anything. so passage of time is another tricky thing to deal with.
I mean, obviously all these things can be done. One of my favourite books - a canticle for leibowitz - is a book that spans thousands upon thousands of years. but keeping me up with the story, after each time jump, i have more and more questions which the author has to fill in quickly or I get lost. random numbers, i was in year 2200, now suddenly I'm at 3200, what's changed? 120 pages later I'm in year 5300 now what's going? the only way to do this, is a nice piece of text that fills in the reader as to what is going on. I mean, this is all for fun, there is no grades or money at stake here. but can you see the confusion the reader has if things go all over the place, or never have a firm start to begin with? how do you follow that story?
one thing that you could probably play the most with was the young ages. that was obviously something that sparked my curiosity when you tell me that all the main characters who are bridge officers are teenagers. but then i ask why? ... and there is no why. so either i keep reading with a looming uncertainty, or I stop because its hard to follow. but as it is a bit different with the young age, that might be something to explore. is height compromised, maybe the whole bridge layout is condensed so everything is in reach for children. i dunno.
Mostly I read books that are author discussing/explaining/exploring a subject, or documentary like, not novelist writing a story. However, in general, if I ever do read the occasional novel it would be science fiction. My favourites are apocalyptic novels that make it very easy to suspend disbelief. The story is just so far fetched my inclination to not jump in gets overridden because the premise is already so far out there. I find it easier to believe the story when I'm told it's in the future, where apocalyptic events have taken place and everything has changed.
I get this is part of the mod, and not a full fledged story, so hard to say what needs work if its just back story what not. But I would think more writing that has nothing to do with dialogue would help in the beginning. Some things to perhaps keep in mind,
1) as the author, you don't want to leave you readers asking questions, they should get timely answers right upfront(unless for plot reasons the whole point is keeping them guessing, but that's harder). so this goes back to date/history/place etc. Maybe had I known more about your mod I would know it's not star trek, but it's kind of important considering you use terms like metaphasic radiation, warp, and plasma conduits, considering the forum I'm thinking star trek... but with warp 12? so very much in the future. and right there, I'm already wrong, because I'm thinking year 2600, etc, anyways. Because it's not star trek, all the more important to answer the question of who/what/when/where/why/how. If a reader doesn't get these bits of information, very easy to lose interest, become confused, etc and just down hill from there.
2) keep in mind this is written text, so some things can't be done in this format that can be done easily in other mediums like movies, radio etc. physical sensations such as taste, sound, smell, even sight (although this is easiest to describe) is really hard to get across to the reader. a particular song, or taste of a specific dish is really hard to convey. So all you can do is explain how it affects the character for instance, my character is eating his favourite meal - instead of describing that meal in detail (which in my view provides very little to the reader who can't experience it), I can just describe what it does to the character - makes him relaxed, or excited, or fills him with memories of happiness etc (obviously better than that but yeah) with song lyrics, unless i know the style of the artist (which i only do because it is of our time and i know the song) you would really be completely lost with out that. imagine me writing the song lyrics 'random lyrics here' and it's a song you've never heard. then you are just forced to go through the words reading these lyrics with no understanding of the tune, or anything else of what's going on. ... so awkward for the reader. same with the passage of time. in a movie, you can do a nice fade out and come back years later and reintroduce a character that looks much older, I just saw an actor age 9, and here is the same character, different actor aged 30... so more obvious passage of time. in a book, I can write a small blurb, 'that was my childhood up to age 10 playing innocently' and now it is 18 years later. those 18 years is nothing to the reader. i just read that in two seconds. so i get no visual as to how the character has changed or anything. so passage of time is another tricky thing to deal with.
I mean, obviously all these things can be done. One of my favourite books - a canticle for leibowitz - is a book that spans thousands upon thousands of years. but keeping me up with the story, after each time jump, i have more and more questions which the author has to fill in quickly or I get lost. random numbers, i was in year 2200, now suddenly I'm at 3200, what's changed? 120 pages later I'm in year 5300 now what's going? the only way to do this, is a nice piece of text that fills in the reader as to what is going on. I mean, this is all for fun, there is no grades or money at stake here. but can you see the confusion the reader has if things go all over the place, or never have a firm start to begin with? how do you follow that story?
one thing that you could probably play the most with was the young ages. that was obviously something that sparked my curiosity when you tell me that all the main characters who are bridge officers are teenagers. but then i ask why? ... and there is no why. so either i keep reading with a looming uncertainty, or I stop because its hard to follow. but as it is a bit different with the young age, that might be something to explore. is height compromised, maybe the whole bridge layout is condensed so everything is in reach for children. i dunno.
posted on September 8th, 2012, 5:12 pm
1 other quick thing. i do believe keeping the reader informed is important, but this can be balanced when taking into account the 'sophistication' of your readers. it doesn't necessarily mean you have to spoon feed them every morsel of information, but just give them enough.
in my earlier post, i wrote something about federation not existing, or this not being star trek at all. based on what i had read, there was nothing mentioning enterprise or any other species in trek, and with warp twelve, and kids, it didn't seem like normal federation. so readers can piece together things for themselves. anyone who read your story might question the time frame, and could see that federation might not be a factor, and taken to the extreme, see this isn't star trek. but maybe it was too.
based on who your aiming at, you can either count on your readers knowing a lot, or not very much at all.
I once knew a guy who read a book on a sort of 'how to do x', and he thought the author wasn't very good because he just kept saying the same thing over and over. maybe he was 'too sophisticated', or just didn't see the situation from the authors perspective - many different kinds of authors will repeat themselves with justified reasons. they might for example be saying the best way to achieve 'x' is to create a plan, and they might continually write that over and over to drill it into the readers head almost subversively until they think the reader will just think of it on their own, hey if i want to achieve x i need a plan! the author may have a target audience of readers who don't generally follow through with anything, and therefore, repeats several points over and over and over again throughout the whole book to make a point. and in many other things, academic restating your thesis is often the case. especially in history. if you want to take a point in history, and reexamine it with some new element like the weather of the time. you could go through a whole period saying, yes this person was enemies with this person, and this was the technology, but what we never thought about was the weather! then they have to constantly repeat the theme of weather for everything about what that might have been important for. this war lasted so so long, or this battle wasn't fought, because of this and this, and the weather was terrible in that decade. so maybe commanders knew they could have won in year 3 of the 5 year war, but weather simply didn't allow it. etc etc etc.
so its a matter of being succinct and balanced to some degree. give your readers stuff to work with, but you can also perhaps rely on a certain know how from readers, and that they will figure some things out on their own. its just being aware of it all. sometimes if you can over or under estimate your reader. I'm not a novelist so how am i to say anything exactly, but just be mindful of things. for instance, if you had written that story and one of your readers was completely unaware of star trek, what the heck is warp 12? what is warp? warp 11? with star trek readers, they understand... really really fast, and they would understand immediately. other readers would be slightly confused, but then piece it together. this ship with 'warp 9?' gets there in 4 hours, that ship with warp 12 gets there in 1 hour. oh so warp is method of travel, and higher your warp faster you go... they figure it out as well, but maybe a little slower. and then your back on track.
anyways
in my earlier post, i wrote something about federation not existing, or this not being star trek at all. based on what i had read, there was nothing mentioning enterprise or any other species in trek, and with warp twelve, and kids, it didn't seem like normal federation. so readers can piece together things for themselves. anyone who read your story might question the time frame, and could see that federation might not be a factor, and taken to the extreme, see this isn't star trek. but maybe it was too.
based on who your aiming at, you can either count on your readers knowing a lot, or not very much at all.
I once knew a guy who read a book on a sort of 'how to do x', and he thought the author wasn't very good because he just kept saying the same thing over and over. maybe he was 'too sophisticated', or just didn't see the situation from the authors perspective - many different kinds of authors will repeat themselves with justified reasons. they might for example be saying the best way to achieve 'x' is to create a plan, and they might continually write that over and over to drill it into the readers head almost subversively until they think the reader will just think of it on their own, hey if i want to achieve x i need a plan! the author may have a target audience of readers who don't generally follow through with anything, and therefore, repeats several points over and over and over again throughout the whole book to make a point. and in many other things, academic restating your thesis is often the case. especially in history. if you want to take a point in history, and reexamine it with some new element like the weather of the time. you could go through a whole period saying, yes this person was enemies with this person, and this was the technology, but what we never thought about was the weather! then they have to constantly repeat the theme of weather for everything about what that might have been important for. this war lasted so so long, or this battle wasn't fought, because of this and this, and the weather was terrible in that decade. so maybe commanders knew they could have won in year 3 of the 5 year war, but weather simply didn't allow it. etc etc etc.
so its a matter of being succinct and balanced to some degree. give your readers stuff to work with, but you can also perhaps rely on a certain know how from readers, and that they will figure some things out on their own. its just being aware of it all. sometimes if you can over or under estimate your reader. I'm not a novelist so how am i to say anything exactly, but just be mindful of things. for instance, if you had written that story and one of your readers was completely unaware of star trek, what the heck is warp 12? what is warp? warp 11? with star trek readers, they understand... really really fast, and they would understand immediately. other readers would be slightly confused, but then piece it together. this ship with 'warp 9?' gets there in 4 hours, that ship with warp 12 gets there in 1 hour. oh so warp is method of travel, and higher your warp faster you go... they figure it out as well, but maybe a little slower. and then your back on track.
anyways
posted on September 9th, 2012, 4:47 pm
I'm still starting out. I've been writing since High School, but up until last year, all my stories have been jumbles of words and was literally stealing characters from everywhere else. (eg. Alvin and the Chipmunks and Harry Potter)
Now, I've rewritten my stuff, making the characters unique and eliminating anything similar. For example, Tod's girls, Diana, Jeanette, and Elex, are based of the Chipettes. (I'm a 'munk fan, dont hate) I've only kept 1 name, and part of another. The girls are now very different from their originals, to the point that they can be considered their own characters. Tod, himself, was originally based on me, though now I've completely remade him, even changing his name to what it is now. I'm still not used to writing stuff, but I'm trying.
I can try and explain stuff, but its not as easy as you think. I am in the process of remaking a story I submitted in my Creative Writing class, slowly taking it apart and putting it back together. I will post it soon, I just dont know when.
Now, I've rewritten my stuff, making the characters unique and eliminating anything similar. For example, Tod's girls, Diana, Jeanette, and Elex, are based of the Chipettes. (I'm a 'munk fan, dont hate) I've only kept 1 name, and part of another. The girls are now very different from their originals, to the point that they can be considered their own characters. Tod, himself, was originally based on me, though now I've completely remade him, even changing his name to what it is now. I'm still not used to writing stuff, but I'm trying.
I can try and explain stuff, but its not as easy as you think. I am in the process of remaking a story I submitted in my Creative Writing class, slowly taking it apart and putting it back together. I will post it soon, I just dont know when.
posted on September 19th, 2012, 2:00 am
I've made my next story, but am making some last minute corrections before submitting it.
This one shall detail a little about Jeanette's past, and her father's involvement in it.
This one shall detail a little about Jeanette's past, and her father's involvement in it.
posted on September 19th, 2012, 6:17 am
the story is nice , god job , but could you upload .txt file or something similar this is way to large for forums , but still good job man. 
posted on September 19th, 2012, 7:48 am
I actually use Microsoft Word and Open Office documents, as you can use italics. (Its been mostly Open Office lately)
I don't wanna upload something, only to be yelled at for it not being able to be read, so I use the normal forum.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
I don't wanna upload something, only to be yelled at for it not being able to be read, so I use the normal forum.
the story is nice , god job
Thank you. Thank you very much.
posted on September 19th, 2012, 9:14 am
Destroyer92 wrote:I actually use Microsoft Word and Open Office documents, as you can use italics. (Its been mostly Open Office lately)
I don't wanna upload something, only to be yelled at for it not being able to be read, so I use the normal forum.
when you copypastad it into the forum you put it in code tags, hence all your bbcode markup didn't do a thing. so your italics still don't work. you just end up with i tags all over the place.
OO can output to pdf natively, so you'd be better off attaching a pdf. people might not be able to read word/OO docs, but they should be able to read pdfs, it's used everywhere.
posted on September 19th, 2012, 4:26 pm
Ill try. I've never used PDFs before.
posted on September 19th, 2012, 4:50 pm
Um...the system wont let me post a PDF. I don't know why.
posted on September 19th, 2012, 5:26 pm
Destroyer92 wrote:Um...the system wont let me post a PDF. I don't know why.
probably doca hasn't allowed that extension to be attached.
if you put the pdf in a zip file it should work.
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