10 things some guy from the internet hates about Star Trek

posted on October 12th, 2011, 12:03 pm

Found this floating around the internets... thought it was funny

Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek

10. Noisy doors.
You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40

9. The Federation.
This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it?

And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.

8. Reversing the Polarity.
For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."

Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.

7. Seatbelts.
Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"

6. No fuses.
Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.

5. Rule by committee.
Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:

Star Trek:

Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look
pensive."

Firefly:

Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"

4. A Star Trek quiz:
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?

3. Technobabble.
The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.

2. The Holodeck.
I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.

1. The Prime Directive.
How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom.

posted on October 12th, 2011, 12:13 pm

2. The Holodeck.
I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.

lol this one must have been written by me because iv said this a million times.

posted on October 12th, 2011, 12:23 pm

2. The Holodeck.
I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.

If I'm honest, I think that a Sherlock Holmes program would be what I use it for rather than the...erm, insinuation... in the list.

Don't look at me like that! I like books, OK?

Fun list, earned a chuckle out of me.

posted on October 12th, 2011, 2:03 pm

Nice list, it points out some of the biggest shortcomings of the ST series

posted on October 12th, 2011, 2:26 pm

LOL  That is great.. The sad part is most of it is true too.

posted on October 12th, 2011, 4:57 pm

I think that most have a reason.
10: well... yes, but if its fire-proof, water-proof, energy-proof, de-evolved klingon-proof, fuse-proof etc... shouldn't it be air-tight? therefore touching the sides, therefore making a noise.
9: I think the federation's great. the monetary system is removed for fed members, but I think they still get paid a bit when dealing with Ferengi and stuff, it makes you want to do what you really want to do and not doing stuff because you have to to win money. and for the dump-truks, they're probably private
8:
7: I never understood this, but well this situation's kind of stupid:
Picard: Were getting boarded!!!
Riker: Romulans!!!
Worf: Battle stations!!!
Geordi: Wait!! sir!! I can't undo my seat belt!!!
Weasly: AARRGG!!! Roms are punching me in the face and I can't punch back since I didn't have time to remove my seatbelt!!!
6: well, with the amount of power passing through the wires, you're going to need a really big fuse. but otherwise:
5: its captains decision, he just likes opinions, look at Sisko
Sisko:Fire!!!
Dax: Yes Sir!!!
and picard goes
Picard:We will go to warrr!!!!
Riker: but sir!
Picard: objection is noted
Troy: captain!
Picard: objection is noted
Worf:CAPTAIN!!!
Picard: YOU COWARD!!!
4:
3: well, I guess if you talk to a man who lived in the 15th Century about a car engine, he'd think its technobable.
2: 1 yes, recreating wild west would be a bit crasy, for the clean up, what do you think transporters are for?
1: So the Federation, based on liberty and equality will just ruin the lives of other species with tech like Europeans did in
Africa
S.america
N.America
Mid.America
SE.Asia
Asia
Australia
Islands
Artic
etc...
we all seen what damage technology can do to a civilisation. and why do you think we have
Roms
Borg
Klings
Dom
Cardies
etc...

posted on October 12th, 2011, 9:45 pm

meh prime directive has quite weird moral value. IF you have medical knowledge to cure a decease that rampages 2 civilisations , you can't help the pre-warp civilisation, but you can help the civilisation that has warp tech.

that is like not helping Africa fight aids because they are as a nation, technologically, not as advanced as europe.

other than that  me likes the joke

posted on October 12th, 2011, 10:39 pm

I never understood why the bridge doesn't have dedicated shielding. It seems like every time the shields go down, some Klingon, Romulan, or whatever beams on to the bridge and tries to kill the captain.

The traditional location of the master ship display also bugs me. Why would it be behind the captain on a wall that only two personnel can see? Shouldn't it be on the ceiling at an angle or something so that the captain can see it rather than having to request a damage report every single time they take a hit?

posted on October 13th, 2011, 12:10 am

Haha, very nice!

posted on October 13th, 2011, 12:54 am

I never understood why the bridge doesn't have dedicated shielding. It seems like every time the shields go down, some Klingon, Romulan, or whatever beams on to the bridge and tries to kill the captain.

The traditional location of the master ship display also bugs me. Why would it be behind the captain on a wall that only two personnel can see? Shouldn't it be on the ceiling at an angle or something so that the captain can see it rather than having to request a damage report every single time they take a hit?

I think the captain has a display near his armrest, but I think he requests a damage report out of tradition.  Just like telling "number one" a command and he repeats it to the crew, or telling gordie to do something when he could easily tell the computer to do it.  Or telling the nav officer to go to a specific coordinate when he, if he knows the place he could just tell the computer to go there.

posted on October 13th, 2011, 3:03 am

Just like telling "number one" a command and he repeats it to the crew, or telling gordie to do something when he could easily tell the computer to do it.  Or telling the nav officer to go to a specific coordinate when he, if he knows the place he could just tell the computer to go there.

Where's the fun it that though?

posted on October 14th, 2011, 9:25 am

lol this one must have been written by me because iv said this a million times.

Well, the authors knew it themselves, that's why holodecks in DS9 serve no other purpose...

other aspects:

I like technobabble. I'd rather hear some technobabble than "I could tell you how it works, but you wouldn't understand it". That's how they do it in most of todays' series. And it's boring, I want to hear how it works, even if it has to do with strange minerals or other crappy stuff. A crappy explanation is better than none.

The Prime directive: The UN and China have the prime directive as main aspect of their foreign policy. EU and USA don't, that's why they do nothing but wars all the time. However, Picard knew when to stretch the Prime directive and didn't get punished for it. That's how it works.

The Federation: Who is that stupid to hate the federation?! No, i don't want social justice, no, I don't want equality and freedom, pease let me live in fucking capitalism since I'm sooooo much more intelligent than my neighbour .

In the extended edition of nemesis at least the Captain got some seatbelts.
Reversing polarity: never realized that, but now that you say it... 

posted on October 14th, 2011, 4:52 pm

OMG! I read through ALL of this! Please, help me!

posted on October 14th, 2011, 8:26 pm

I think Fuses would be useless with EP powered Systems...

And by that... who would be strapped to his console with a seatbelt, when you know that it could just blow up to your face and definitely kill you when you stay there, while you could just get blown around and have some mild to heavy injuries ^^"

posted on October 14th, 2011, 9:16 pm

i have an idea about fuses. even if all the systems could be isolated from one another by fuses so that power cant get around the ship in that way, i dont think they would want to.

when the enemy weapons hit the ship and the shields cant absorb 100% of the energy, the energy has to go somewhere and do something due to conservation of energy. the attacker would want the weapon to cause explosions and stuff at the area of impact. the defending ship wouldnt want that necessarily.

we see that when the shields are in higher percent strengths that the consoles dont explode, cos the shields absorb all the blast. but when shields are lower some energy gets through. now 1 choice is that the energy cant travel around cos of fuses, so it just causes explosions near the impact location (which will usually be targeted near your warp core or something). the other choice is that the energy is allowed to flow around and cause minor damage to a bunch of consoles and redshirts. this damage never seems very important, consoles are replaced easily. so the preference is that loads of consoles explode instead of the stuff the enemy was shooting at.